Parents, Adults, & Mentors

Parenting is both a challenging and rewarding endeavor. At each stage of their children’s development, parents need the skills to effectively manage their children’s interests and guide them through life changes. Many feel that, in terms of parenting, adolescence is the most difficult stage. Parents are supposed to encourage independence, yet also protect their children from new and potentially risky situations. Many adolescents do not yet possess the decision-making abilities necessary to make safe choices, especially with widely available substances, such as alcohol. Alcohol use and its consequences have become one of the main concerns for parents of teens today.

By the time their children are adolescents, many parents have discovered that there are a number of adults who are important in their children’s lives. These may include other family members, neighborhood parents, community mentors, and teachers. These adults can be helpful in communicating with your child and can be an excellent source of support. However, these adults can present challenges as well. For example, statistics show that the primary sources of alcohol for underage drinkers are parents and other adults1.

The information and conversation guide in this book are designed to help you navigate your relationships with other parents and mentors, especially around issues like underage drinking.

The information and conversation guide in this book are designed to help you navigate your relationships with other parents and mentors, especially around issues like underage drinking.

Reports show that while alcohol use in teens has been problematic for quite some time, it is the increased rates of binge drinking that is of even greater concern.

Adolescence is a time of questions and conversations. How those questions are asked and the depth of the conversations that follow may change over time, but it is always important to have the facts. This section will highlight some statistics and offer some direction for resources.

Underage Drinking

Is underage drinking really a problem?

Reports show that while alcohol use in teens has been problematic for quite some time, it is the increased rates of binge drinking that is of even greater concern. One concerning statistic is that 46% of 12th graders do not feel that binge drinking on weekends is risky2. While drinking may be the only risky behavior an individual teen exhibits, most studies suggest a link between alcohol use and other risky behavior3,4,5. Binge drinking, particularly in older teens, can be linked to drug use, drinking and driving or riding with another teen who has been drinking; accidents, suicides, falls, burns, drowning, and a generally poor transition from adolescence to adulthood3,6.

Why do teens drink?

There are many reasons why teens drink. They include:

Being a teenager: There are a lot of changes — physical, emotional, social — that teenagers have to go through as they transition from being a child to being an adult. They need to become independent and push limits, so just being a teenager is a risk factor for experimenting with alcohol7.

Beliefs about alcohol seem to be set quite early in life.

Taking risks: Decision-making and other functions of the brain are developing during the teenage years and this may be the reason that some teenagers try to find new and exciting situations. Some people call this thrill-seeking and it may explain part of the reason that teens try alcohol and then do not understand that there can be negative consequences to drinking7.

Mental health issues: Kids that are diagnosed with problems such as hyperactivity, conduct problems, depression and anxiety are at higher risk for using alcohol7,9,10.

Expectations: There is more and more research on how what someone expects out of drinking impacts one’s drinking pattern. Beliefs about alcohol seem to be set quite early in life. While before age 9, most kids think drinking is a negative thing, a 13 year old may consider drinking to be a more positive thing. It seems that teens who drink think about the more exciting and positive sides of alcohol7,8.

Genetics: Several studies have shown that having a parent or other family member with an alcohol problem puts a teen at greater risk for drinking at a younger age and having a drinking problem7,11,12.

Environment: Genetics is not the only thing that is linked to alcohol use. Influences such as family (particularly parents) and friends who drink may impact a teen’s decision to drink.

As teens get older, they are more likely to take alcohol from home or get it from other adults.

How do teens get access to alcohol?

Unfortunately, studies show that adults remain the major source of access to alcohol for underage drinkers. As teens get older, they are more likely to take alcohol from home or get it from other adults. Limiting underage children’s access to alcohol has been shown to be an effective way to limit the problems related to underage drinking1,13,14.

Identifying a child with a potential alcohol problem

Below is a list of signs that may indicate that a teenager is having a problem with alcohol: 15

• Dramatic mood swings and irritability
• School problems including poor grades, absences and disciplinary action
• Rebellion against family rules
• Increased secrecy about possessions or activities
• A change in friends and not allowing family access to these new friends
• Using secret or coded language with friends
• Little interest in things that used to excite them (i.e. activities, sports)
• Smelling alcohol on your child or finding it in their backpack
• Using incense, room spray or perfume to hide odors
• Increased need for money
• Using eye drops, which can hide bloodshot eyes
• Problems with memory, concentration, or slurred speech

Resources such as local organizations, doctors, hospitals and on-line parenting websites and chat rooms can offer ideas, knowledge, and support.

Parents, Mentors and Teen Communication

How do parents engage adult mentors?

While parenting a teen is a skill that is usually learned over time, there are many resources available to parents today. Resources such as local organizations, doctors, hospitals, and on-line parenting websites and chat rooms can offer ideas, knowledge and support.

Reach out to other adults who are important in your child’s life — parents of your child’s friends, classmates or teammates. Clearly understanding what influence they have and what communication is being shared will make you better equipped to manage your own conversations with your child.

One good first step is sharing your ideas and views on alcohol with these adults. These conversations may point out differences in perspectives and opinions regarding alcohol. For example, you may find a neighborhood parent who is well known for hosting underage drinking parties. This information will allow you to reach out to that parent to express your own views and concerns or make different decisions about allowing your child to attend parties at that house.

Parents and adult mentors can be a wonderful resource for one another. Parents who are currently going through similar issues, as well as those that have already gone through them can be helpful. Other adults, such as teachers, coaches, and counselors may offer insights into your child’s life that will aid in communication with your child, especially regarding risky behaviors. When parents attend PTA or community group meetings they can ask other parents if they want to talk about some of the tough problems that teens face. They can have get-togethers or dinners with the parents of their teens’ friends and discuss drinking and other behaviors in a more casual setting. Many schools and communities offer organized meetings to discuss teen behaviors. Finally, parents can offer to chaperone trips that the teens may take and then network with other chaperones. All of these are ways that parents can build an informal network of support through other adult mentors and continually understand what their teenager is experiencing in their community with regard to drinking.

Many schools and communities offer organized meetings to discuss teen behaviors.

How can one be an informed parent?

Some parents may find it awkward or uncomfortable to ‘check-up’ on their child — it is sometimes a hard conversation to have with teens, as they roll their eyes or look bored and annoyed. However, a few small steps can go a long way in figuring out if your child has access to alcohol and in helping your child manage potentially risky situations:

• Know where your child is headed and with whom
• Meet and engage with your child’s friends
• Talk to, and if possible visit the homes where your child goes
• Call ahead to make sure there will be supervision at any teen get-together
• Schedule phone calls at particular times and/or a curfew
• Develop a code your child can use to call you as an excuse to get out of an uncomfortable or unsafe situation

Know the laws concerning underage drinking, and talk about them with your child.

Know the laws concerning underage drinking, and talk about them with your child. States may vary with respect to laws on the following:

• Underage drinking or possession of alcohol
• Buying or trying to buy alcohol
• Fake IDs
• Driving permits and any limitations of driving times, number of persons in vehicles, etc.
• Blood alcohol concentration (BAC) while driving — many states mandate zero tolerance for those underage with any alcohol in their system, with penalties as severe as revocation of licenses until age 21.
• Purchasing alcohol for minors
• Providing alcohol to minors — some states allow parents to offer alcohol to their own children in their own home, others do not.
• Hosting underage drinking parties — depending on your state law, parents who host may be liable and punished with fines or even jail time.

Be a good role model for your child by using alcohol responsibly.

Providing a safe home for your children and their friends

Supervise visits and parties in your home by being an active presence — don’t just hide in another room.

Keep alcohol secured as much as possible, and for alcohol that is potentially accessible, be aware of it and monitor amounts.

If you see a child drink, communicate with your network of adults.

Be a good role model for your child by using alcohol responsibly. This includes making the decision not to drink and drive.

Discover, and then participate in, alcohol-free community activities, so that your teen has safe social options.

Don’t allow teens to drink in your home.

Throughout your child’s life, he/she will have many types of interactions with different adults, some good and some bad.

With other adults, mentors, and parents:

Throughout your child’s life, he/she will have many types of interactions with different adults, some good and some bad. These relationships can be helpful and supportive; occasionally they can be confusing and detrimental. At times, these adults will have opinions about underage drinking that differ from your own. Here are some tips that will help you to initiate conversations with other adults regarding alcohol:

• Share your opinions and clearly state your rules.
• Keep open the opportunity for the other adult to come to you if they see your teen breaking the rules.
• Try to understand the opinions and rules of the other person.

Here are some ideas for conversation starters:

You know Sally is getting near the age where kids start thinking about alcohol and sometimes drinking. In our house, Sally will not be allowed to drink until she is of legal age, and we have discussed consequences for breaking the rules. Do you have similar rules at your house?

Did you hear on the news about teen drinking? It sometimes scares me to think of John drinking. How have you approached the subject at your house?

I’ve told Craig about how alcohol affects the body and how it could affect his game. He seemed receptive.

You will no doubt encounter differences of opinion regarding underage drinking as you start to talk about the subject with other adults.

You will no doubt encounter differences of opinion regarding underage drinking as you start to talk about the subject with other adults. Here are some suggestions for dealing with the issue:

• Respect the opinions of others, but clearly state the rules for your own child.
• Discuss the law and potential consequences of breaking the law with the other adult.
• Understand that rules in other people’s homes may differ from your own — nonetheless, communicate your expectations to your teen and other adults.

I’m glad Billy will be coming over. Know that at our house I stop in to talk to the kids every so often and there is no alcohol served to teens.

I know Julie will be headed to your house. Our rules are that she cannot have alcohol. Will there be supervision at the party? And there will be no alcohol at the party, I assume?

Did you hear on the news that parents who have hosted parties in which kids were found drinking have gotten fines, lawsuits and even jail time in some cases?

I won’t be sending Pam to the party because there will be drinking. However, if the kids want to come to our house another time, we can make arrangements.

Remember to tell your child that you will be speaking with other adults about your alcohol rules and reiterate them with your teen.

With your teen:

Here are some tips that you can use and share with other parents about talking to teens about alcohol17.

1. Communicate with your teenager.
2. Be honest.
3. Set limits.
4. Offer your child strategies to deal with uncomfortable situations.
5. Communicate with other parents.
6. Get to know your teenager’s friends.
7. Be informed.
8. Trust your instincts.
9. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you think your child may need it.

Remember to tell your child that you will be speaking with other adults about your alcohol rules and reiterate them with your teen. Be prepared for rolled eyes and shuffling feet, but know that surveys show that teens feel that parents are the number one influencers in their lives18.

I wanted to let you know that I’m planning to make sure that Terry’s Dad knows our house rules before you head over for the party. I expect you to follow those rules at their house too.

The team party will be fun, but know that I’m going to let the parents know that I don’t allow alcohol at the house.

I have heard some kids are planning to drink before the dance, but the house rules still apply. I would think you know how to have a good time without alcohol.

Provide your teen with an option that will help him/her get out of an uncomfortable situation.

If you expect that your child will be at a house where parents may have different opinions on providing alcohol to teens:

• Make clear to your teen that you are aware of the dif ferent rules.
• Reinforce your own rules.
• Provide your teen with an option that will help him/her get out of an uncomfortable situation.

Look, I know that Shane’s Mom has alcohol at the house and looks the other way when kids are drinking. I still expect you to follow our house rules. If you feel uncomfortable, head on home.

I’ve heard Sarah telling stories about alcohol. Please remember to call me and use the ‘code word’ if you are stuck in a situation where your ride has had something to drink. This is very important because if the driver has been drinking, you no longer have control of the situation.

I know Brian’s parents don’t agree with our house rules and may bend the rules at their house. That is their decision, but if they serve you alcohol, it is against the law and both you and Brian’s parents could get into real trouble.

Clear communication of your expectations to both teens and the adults in their lives is crucial.

Approaching the subject of underage drinking with teenagers is tricky. They hear different messages from different places and don’t always understand the potential consequences of drinking. Clear communication of your expectations to both teens and the adults in their lives is crucial. Additionally, establishing a parent network and a set of safe places for teenagers to gather, helps both you and your child navigate this time. While it is expected that both you and your child will encounter people with differing views on underage drinking, discussing your viewpoint openly and honestly will help your child develop strategies for staying safe.

Health Alliance on Alcohol

A national education initiative on underage consumption of alcohol through parent/child communications.

New York-Presbyterian Healthcare System

The NewYork-Presbyterian Healthcare System, the largest secular not-for-profit nongovernmental health care system in the U.S., is committed to providing high quality, cost-effective, and accessible care to communities throughout the greater New York metropolitan region. The System, made up of 33 acute care hospitals, 100 ambulatory sites, four residential health care facilities, three specialty institutions, two rehabilitation hospitals and more than 18,500 affiliated physicians, serves one in four patients in the greater New York metropolitan area. The System is also the largest not-for-profit employer in New York City.

White Plains Hospital Center

White Plains Hospital Center (WPHC) is a 292-bed voluntary, not-for-profit health care organization with the primary mission of offering high quality, acute health care and preventive medical care to all people who live in, work in, or visit Westchester County and its surrounding areas. Centers of Excellence include the Dickstein Cancer Treatment Center, The William & Sylvia Silberstein Neonatal & Maternity Center, The Ruth and Jerome A. Siegel Stroke Center and The Westchester Orthopaedic Institute. The Hospital has the busiest Emergency Department in Westchester County, treating more than 45,000 patients a year. White Plains Hospital Center is a five-time winner of the Consumer Choice Award, an honor given to the nation’ top hospitals by the National Research Corporation. WPHC is a member of the NewYork-Presbyterian Healthcare System and the Stellaris Health Network, Inc. For additional information, visit www.wphospital.org.

Morgan Stanley Children’ Hospital of NewYork-Presbyterian

Ranked by U.S. News & World Report as one of the top six children’ hospitals in the country, Morgan Stanley Children’ Hospital of NewYork-Presbyterian offers the best available care in every area of pediatrics — including the most complex neonatal and critical care and all areas of pediatric subspecialities — in a family-friendly and technologically advanced setting. Building a reputation for more than a century as one of the nation’ premier children’ hospitals, Morgan Stanley Children’ Hospital of New York-Presbyterian is affiliated with Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons, and is New York City’ only hospital dedicated solely to the care of children and the largest provider of children’ health services in the tristate area with a longstanding commitment to its community. Morgan Stanley Children’ Hospital of New York-Presbyterian is also a major international referral center, meeting the special needs of children from infancy through adolescence worldwide. For more information, visit www. nyp.org.

Heineken USA

Heineken USA is the nation’ premier beer importer and a subsidiary of Heineken International (Netherlands), the world’ most international brewer. The company and its affiliates are firmly committed to promoting responsible consumption of alcoholic beverages. Among other distinctions, Heineken was the first brewer in the world to place a responsible consumption message on all of its bottles and cans. Heineken USA was also the first alcohol company to place a responsibility message on all of its television, radio, and print advertising. Please visit www.EnjoyHeinekenResponsibly.com.

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